I so love that all theses stories have a great twists.
Here's mine though it still sits at 444 words and I can't work out how to trim it so I thought I'd share what I had
"Window on the world [444 words]
Tina wasn't sure she wanted to see how her life truly was so she kept her window to the world stuck fast.
Sometimes she leaned across and looked out of Levi's window. He liked that. His view of the world was singular, clear, definite whereas, from what she remembered, her view was blurred and indistinct.
They had rode together for many years with Levi making the decisions at the junctions of their lives – where they lived, who they mixed with, whether they had children or not [that had been a not], how many hours she worked, how their house looked, what money they spent on what, pensions, investments, and so forth. Tina was allowed to choose what they ate, though Levi choose the timings of their meals. Tina was allowed to clean the house as she liked, so long as she did not do it at times when Levi was at home.
At the start of their journey Tina had protested but Levi shown her how her window on the world wasn't clear. She acquiesced for a peaceful life and let her window smear up and stick and learned to be content.
Then Levi died.
He was only 54. She was not yet 50. Their shared vehicle clunked to a halt.
As she stood at his graveside she realised she didn't like any of their so-called friends as they gave their condolences and advice.
Once the house was silent Tina heard a progressive shuddering then a clunk. She felt the breeze of freedom blow threw. It smelt good; of pine forests and new walking boots, of tempestuous seas and yellow waterproofs, of candy floss and engine oil, of new books, log fires, red wine and oysters.
She shook her head and the clips fell from her neat bun. A mess of long salt-and-peppered hair cascaded around her shoulders.
There in the living room she took off her neat black dress suit, her kitten heeled shoes and her Marks&Spencer's underwear. Naked she walked up the stairs to their bedroom. She pulled on a pair of comfy knickers, a pair of patchwork joggers she'd bought on impulse, a t-shirt with WHAM! across the bust bought from a charity shop for decorating, and a blue hoodie of Levi's.
She found a pair of comfy trainers used for gardening and walked briskly to the animal rescue centre. There she procured a scruffy brown mongrel dog. Levi had insisted that dogs were a waste of time and money.
As Tina and Mungo set off to the park she heard a splintering. The window on her side had fallen to the ground and would never hinder her view again. "
I will start by saying 444 is one of my lucky numbers :) This story was fabulous, Diane. I love the set up, how you guide us in to what is happening, get to her feeling of contentment (which we are already with you in not fully buying) and then shatter it (with Levi's death) and show us the reality and her new freedom. There were so many great details. "whether they had children or not [that had been a not]," "their shared vehicle cluncked to a halt" (such brilliant use imagery). I loved that she put on a WHAM t-shirt, such a brilliant detail. Thank you so much for sharing, I really really enjoyed reading it!
Love flash fiction! I hope a few more will be brave with me and share in the comments. Also - a plug for Susannah as a writing mentor! I can't write without her popping into my head now and then, asking me great questions or reminding me that this should be fun. :)
Tina's Window
The window on Tina’s side was broken and could not be rolled down. Andre glanced over to see the beads of perspiration forming along lines in her freckled forehead. Her hair was slicked back into a tight ponytail, showing bits of white scalp where it thinned at the temples. The 1990 blue Dodge van whined as Andre depressed the accelerator a little harder. He’d pushed the seat as far forward as it would go, but his toes still barely touched the pedals. They’d found a few phone books in the junk closet of their grandmother’s house for Andre to sit on so he could clearly see above the wheel. Sunrise waxed into full daylight glaring onto the highway, making them squint. Tina sat in the passenger seat very still, except for the right hand she kept rubbing over her protruding belly. Silently, but together, they prayed to make it into Canada. Women like Tina weren’t allowed to have children anymore, but Canada was still offering asylum to those few who could make it across the border on their own. Andre and Tina broke the silence when a herd of tan antelope ran parallel to them through the fields. “We should rehearse,” Tina said in a faint labored voice. Andre nodded. He loved Tina and would do anything she asked. Steal their grandmother’s car. Pose as her son. Tina had heard that unlawfully pregnant women with a pre-existing child received leniency if prosecuted. But she’d still be sterilized if caught.
WOW, I have goosebumps! This story just kept evolving and my idea of what was happening kept altering with each line, with each added detail (the phone books, her hair thinning at the temples, the 1990 blue Dodge, the antelope, "We should rehearse.") The sensory details were incredible and played so much into the story. I was totally hooked and feel almost breathless. Thank you for sharing (and thank you for your kind words!)
I love a bit of flash fiction. Love the whole challenge of it. So I've copied down your prompt. And hopefully will now not forget about it but will get on and do it!.
This was just what I needed to jump-start my writing. Here goes...
Short Story /248 words
Jim Johnston
The window on Tina’s side was broken and could not be rolled down. I made sure of that. And I made sure her seat belt was on snugly. I’d put the little blue Tiffany’s box on her seat, sealed up tight, so you couldn’t tell it was empty. She’d been nagging me about the ring for a long time now, a real long time. I grabbed the box from her. “That’s for later,” I said, giving her my Brad Pitt smile.
“Stevie-poo,” she whispered in her raspy voice. “You shouldn’t have…”
A mist of tears clouded her little piggy eyes.
I put on the oldies tape she loved so much, and cranked up the volume. Some black girls wailed out “Will you still love me tomorrow?” Tina did that bobbing thing with her head, her bangs swinging back and forth. She lacked basic rhythm.
I could see the bridge ahead, its old wooden railings rotted through in some sections.
It was all over in a few seconds. I jumped out of the car with the motor still running, leaving my foot on the brake until the last second, and then let it roll. I heard the crack of wood, a scream, a splash, the sound of bubbles bursting.
I hit my forehead with a rock until I tasted blood, then scraped my face with sand before working my way down to the river. The water was colder than I’d expected. I hoped I wouldn’t have to wait long.
Wow, I wasn't expecting that, what a twist. It's so interesting how you threw me off the scent with the first couple of lines, because they made me distrust my instinct in such a clever way. "I made sure of that" sounded sinister but followed by "And I made sure her seat belt was on snugly," made it sound like they were caring for her safety (snugly, being the very cleverly used word there)...Then the empty ring box threw me off again! Clever, clever. Thanks so much for sharing and I am so glad that this jump-started your writing- that is music to my ears!
I so love that all theses stories have a great twists.
Here's mine though it still sits at 444 words and I can't work out how to trim it so I thought I'd share what I had
"Window on the world [444 words]
Tina wasn't sure she wanted to see how her life truly was so she kept her window to the world stuck fast.
Sometimes she leaned across and looked out of Levi's window. He liked that. His view of the world was singular, clear, definite whereas, from what she remembered, her view was blurred and indistinct.
They had rode together for many years with Levi making the decisions at the junctions of their lives – where they lived, who they mixed with, whether they had children or not [that had been a not], how many hours she worked, how their house looked, what money they spent on what, pensions, investments, and so forth. Tina was allowed to choose what they ate, though Levi choose the timings of their meals. Tina was allowed to clean the house as she liked, so long as she did not do it at times when Levi was at home.
At the start of their journey Tina had protested but Levi shown her how her window on the world wasn't clear. She acquiesced for a peaceful life and let her window smear up and stick and learned to be content.
Then Levi died.
He was only 54. She was not yet 50. Their shared vehicle clunked to a halt.
As she stood at his graveside she realised she didn't like any of their so-called friends as they gave their condolences and advice.
Once the house was silent Tina heard a progressive shuddering then a clunk. She felt the breeze of freedom blow threw. It smelt good; of pine forests and new walking boots, of tempestuous seas and yellow waterproofs, of candy floss and engine oil, of new books, log fires, red wine and oysters.
She shook her head and the clips fell from her neat bun. A mess of long salt-and-peppered hair cascaded around her shoulders.
There in the living room she took off her neat black dress suit, her kitten heeled shoes and her Marks&Spencer's underwear. Naked she walked up the stairs to their bedroom. She pulled on a pair of comfy knickers, a pair of patchwork joggers she'd bought on impulse, a t-shirt with WHAM! across the bust bought from a charity shop for decorating, and a blue hoodie of Levi's.
She found a pair of comfy trainers used for gardening and walked briskly to the animal rescue centre. There she procured a scruffy brown mongrel dog. Levi had insisted that dogs were a waste of time and money.
As Tina and Mungo set off to the park she heard a splintering. The window on her side had fallen to the ground and would never hinder her view again. "
I will start by saying 444 is one of my lucky numbers :) This story was fabulous, Diane. I love the set up, how you guide us in to what is happening, get to her feeling of contentment (which we are already with you in not fully buying) and then shatter it (with Levi's death) and show us the reality and her new freedom. There were so many great details. "whether they had children or not [that had been a not]," "their shared vehicle cluncked to a halt" (such brilliant use imagery). I loved that she put on a WHAM t-shirt, such a brilliant detail. Thank you so much for sharing, I really really enjoyed reading it!
Thank you. I'm thinking of tidying it up a bit and then maybe entering it into a competition. If I do I'll let you know how I go :)
Ooh fabulous! Yes, do keep me (us) in the loop :)
Love flash fiction! I hope a few more will be brave with me and share in the comments. Also - a plug for Susannah as a writing mentor! I can't write without her popping into my head now and then, asking me great questions or reminding me that this should be fun. :)
Tina's Window
The window on Tina’s side was broken and could not be rolled down. Andre glanced over to see the beads of perspiration forming along lines in her freckled forehead. Her hair was slicked back into a tight ponytail, showing bits of white scalp where it thinned at the temples. The 1990 blue Dodge van whined as Andre depressed the accelerator a little harder. He’d pushed the seat as far forward as it would go, but his toes still barely touched the pedals. They’d found a few phone books in the junk closet of their grandmother’s house for Andre to sit on so he could clearly see above the wheel. Sunrise waxed into full daylight glaring onto the highway, making them squint. Tina sat in the passenger seat very still, except for the right hand she kept rubbing over her protruding belly. Silently, but together, they prayed to make it into Canada. Women like Tina weren’t allowed to have children anymore, but Canada was still offering asylum to those few who could make it across the border on their own. Andre and Tina broke the silence when a herd of tan antelope ran parallel to them through the fields. “We should rehearse,” Tina said in a faint labored voice. Andre nodded. He loved Tina and would do anything she asked. Steal their grandmother’s car. Pose as her son. Tina had heard that unlawfully pregnant women with a pre-existing child received leniency if prosecuted. But she’d still be sterilized if caught.
WOW, I have goosebumps! This story just kept evolving and my idea of what was happening kept altering with each line, with each added detail (the phone books, her hair thinning at the temples, the 1990 blue Dodge, the antelope, "We should rehearse.") The sensory details were incredible and played so much into the story. I was totally hooked and feel almost breathless. Thank you for sharing (and thank you for your kind words!)
I love a bit of flash fiction. Love the whole challenge of it. So I've copied down your prompt. And hopefully will now not forget about it but will get on and do it!.
I'll share this too with my writing group :)
Fabulous! I'd love to read it if you'd like to share, but no pressure. And thank you for sharing it with your writing group :)
What a great idea Susannah! I love this. I'll be sharing a link to this post in the LWS Flash Fiction room!😀🙏🏾
Oh wonderful, thank you so much, Sarah! And also, thank you for the very kind recommendation of this newsletter, it meant a lot!
This was just what I needed to jump-start my writing. Here goes...
Short Story /248 words
Jim Johnston
The window on Tina’s side was broken and could not be rolled down. I made sure of that. And I made sure her seat belt was on snugly. I’d put the little blue Tiffany’s box on her seat, sealed up tight, so you couldn’t tell it was empty. She’d been nagging me about the ring for a long time now, a real long time. I grabbed the box from her. “That’s for later,” I said, giving her my Brad Pitt smile.
“Stevie-poo,” she whispered in her raspy voice. “You shouldn’t have…”
A mist of tears clouded her little piggy eyes.
I put on the oldies tape she loved so much, and cranked up the volume. Some black girls wailed out “Will you still love me tomorrow?” Tina did that bobbing thing with her head, her bangs swinging back and forth. She lacked basic rhythm.
I could see the bridge ahead, its old wooden railings rotted through in some sections.
It was all over in a few seconds. I jumped out of the car with the motor still running, leaving my foot on the brake until the last second, and then let it roll. I heard the crack of wood, a scream, a splash, the sound of bubbles bursting.
I hit my forehead with a rock until I tasted blood, then scraped my face with sand before working my way down to the river. The water was colder than I’d expected. I hoped I wouldn’t have to wait long.
Wow, I wasn't expecting that, what a twist. It's so interesting how you threw me off the scent with the first couple of lines, because they made me distrust my instinct in such a clever way. "I made sure of that" sounded sinister but followed by "And I made sure her seat belt was on snugly," made it sound like they were caring for her safety (snugly, being the very cleverly used word there)...Then the empty ring box threw me off again! Clever, clever. Thanks so much for sharing and I am so glad that this jump-started your writing- that is music to my ears!